It Seemed So Simple
by spencerswifey
Summary: Have you ever wondered what Spencer Reid was thinking during Revelations? This is it.
1. Chapter 1

It had been a simple task assigned to us. I would have thought an interview wouldn't have been so hard. I had done plenty in the few years I had been in the F.B.I. It only took talking to the person, examining their actions and reactions, and taking the information accordingly. It shouldn't have gone so terrible.

But I wanted to be the hero. I wanted to do what Hotch and Derek did all the time. I wanted to apprehend the unsub without back up. It should have been simple. It was one man against two F.B.I agents, but he had the advantage of knowing his land, and he used that to his advantage. While I was chasing him in the cornfields I heard J.J scream.

J.J... the woman who had entranced me ever since my first day. I was in love with J.J, but I would never tell her that. I could never tell her that. It would be wrong... I couldn't tie her down like that. She was like a mustang. She needed her freedom.

So when I heard her scream I panicked. God help me I panicked. I decided that J.J was ten times more important than the unsub. We would find him some other time. So I started to run after her. I never thought running through corn would be so annoying until then when I heard three shots: two right after each other and then a second later another. I couldn't wait for the corn to disappear until I could run to her and check on her. I stopped for a second and called, "J.J!" I hoped in getting a reply, but all I got was a sudden large force on my left cheek.

The force knocked me to the ground which wasn't surprising. I mean I was incredibly thin and weak for a man my height and age. When I fell to the ground my gun skidded away from my hand. I grasped for it and someone else grabbed it. I rolled over to see who it was and there was the man who had killed so many people viciously for their 'sins'. Already he had killed four people: two for having too much and two for adultery. All dumb, in my opinion, reasons to kill someone. Then again I never thought there was a good reason to kill someone. "Wait, wait, wait," I started to say trying to keep the unsub from killing me.

"I could've stopped them by myself." The man said pointing the gun at me. He sounded so… scared and helpless even though he was the one in control.

"Okay, okay." I replied back not knowing what else to say considering I had no idea who he was talking about… unless he was talking about his dominant partner.

"I tried to warn everyone." He replied as he continued to point that small hunk of metal at me that could possibly end my life ever so quickly.

"Just relax, Mr. Hankel, all right?" I begged him with my hands up in submission. I had to let him know I would listen to him when I was sure no one else did.

"Shoot him!" The voice suddenly changed… deeper. He had a lot more self confidence, and he held himself as so. He had stronger looking shoulders and an extremely angry look.

"I don't want to!" The voice and demeanor changed back to the weaker more submissive personality. Suddenly it hit me! He was suffering from dissociative identity disorder or formally known as personality disorder. So he had at least two personalities that I knew of. There was the submissive and the aggressor.

"I said 'shoot him', you weakling. He's a Satan!" The tougher one said. Suddenly it felt like my life was in the hands of one man with two souls. It felt like I was sitting on the edge of a cliff and any moment the dominant could push me off, or the submissive was going to pull me to safety.

"He didn't do anything." The weaker one said as he whimpered. This was just unnerving. I was starting to get scared.

"I won't tell you another time, boy. Shoot him!" The tougher one ordered the weaker one again.

Suddenly I saw the arm of the man reach and then suddenly everything went black.

_

Please tell me what you think. I need feed back before I continue.


	2. Chapter 2

When I finally awoke a throbbing on the back of my head in the occipital lobe was so prominent I just acted like I was still asleep. There was no way I was going to be able to focus with this horrible throbbing. It was like there was a giant silent drum inside of my head that was banging every two seconds, and the vibrations of it were reverberating off of my skull.

Finally after I tried to open my eyes, a blinding iridescent luminosity of a light bulb invaded seared to my head and caused the little man in my head to start beating that stupid drum again. I was sure that I had caused at least some type of small damage to my occipital lobe considering my eyes' response to light. It was enough to drive me mad! I knew there had to be away to get over this. I knew I HAD to get over it otherwise I wasn't going to have a clear mind. I pulled myself together and told myself I had to be more like Derek. Face the pain I was in.

I started to open my eyes and was greeted by his face. The man that had kidnapped me was standing right over me. I fought the repulsion in me and finally opened my eyes open all the way so he could know that I was awake. I thought about lifting my hand to see if I was bleeding from my head still, but I felt a weight on my wrist and ankles. I realized instantly he had chained my feet to the chair, and he chained my wrist to a chain that was linked to my ankles.

"They're gone." He said softly.

"Who are they?" I asked confused.

"It's just me and you." He said ignoring my question.

"Who are you?" I asked as my voice cracked. I just decided to leave it alone. I wanted to know which personality he was in right now.

He stood tall and said proudly, "I'm Raphael."

Suddenly as my senses came back to me I smelt possibly one of the most repugnant smells known to man. I was sure it was worse than when my next door neighbor Mr. Mendenhall removes his shoes and undergarments then releases his bowels after a long hot night on the Vindaloo (which is an Indian curry dish that causes gas) and Tiger Lager, and that's saying something. "What is that smell?" I asked trying not to look repulsed.

"I'm burning fish hearts and livers; keeps away the devil. I believe you can see into men's minds."

I barely shook my head and decided not to do that again as I said, "That's not true. I study human behavior."

As I said that he took a gun out of his pocket and then he said, "Shh, I'm not interested in the arguments of men." He pulled out a bullet and asked, "Do you know what this is?", and without even letting me answer he said, "It's gods will." He put the bullet in the cylinder, spun the cylinder, and then closed it. He then pointed the gun at my head.

My mind raced for something intelligent to say to him. I wanted something to rationalize with this personality. "You don't have to do this." I stated fearful.

"I'm just doing this in the name of god." He pulled the trigger and shot at me.

Okay I know I'm ruining the moment here, yes you're in suspense but… I have to point something out. I didn't see my life flash past my eyes, I didn't see a bright light, and I didn't get all of that other stuff people say they do. I got nothing but a jolt of fear running up my spine as the sound of the gun firing echoed in the tiny room.

I was so happy to find that I was alive. I had survived my first game of Russian roulette. It was a blank.

He smiled and put the gun away. "I'll see you tomorrow. You might just be useful." He said walking away.

I sat there trying to collect my thoughts. There was no way I was going to live if I didn't have SOME way to communicate with my team. He was going to kill me. Some way, somehow he was going to find my sins. The funny in a good way thing was I didn't have that many sins. I hadn't killed anyone, I hadn't worshipped another God in fact I was sure I was agnostic even though I grew up in a Christian home, I didn't think I had an idol, I never said anything about God so I couldn't have said his name in vain, honestly I wasn't going to go through all of the commandments, but I was sure I was almost sinless. So I knew I had to make sure that if I did remember what sin I had committed that I didn't tell him…well not until I knew the time was right.

I laid my head back to try to sleep. I was sure I was going to do well. If I had woken up from the blow to my head I was sure I could sleep again. So slept I did.

The next morning I awoke to the light streaming through a window. I knew there was no way anyone was going to hear me. We were in the middle of no where. If someone was close they were deaf, because if they weren't they would have heard the sound of the revolver going off.

I was extremely hungry… and I really wanted some coffee. I mean I didn't care if it was terrible all I wanted was coffee. I had gone so many days in my life with coffee it was a weird feeling to not have the warm liquid course through my arteries and carry the sugary highly caffeinated substance to every cell in my body and rejuvenate my mind back to it's normal functioning. I sighed to myself as I realized that for a long time I was going to have to deal.

I reached up to my head and bent my head so I could touch the spot where he had hit me. I pulled back my hand and found it wet. I wiped it on my pants hoping he would think I hadn't done anything. I had to convince all of his personalities that I was a wonderful person, and that I hadn't deserved all of this.

I was in the middle of thinking about that when he kicked the door open. He had a pile of wood in his arms, and he was wearing the same coat. I sighed to myself as I realized how much I hated that stupid thing. I had no idea what he had in there. So I had no idea what to embrace myself for next.

When he realized I was looking at him he said, "What are you staring at boy?" He walked to the fireplace and started to put wood in.

"You're not Raphael." I pointed out. I knew that Raphael had a different demeanor. He was… held higher. He was more snobby looking as if he was better than everyone. This person held themselves up… like a bully would.

"Do I look like Raphael?" He asked ironically. I'm sure he didn't realize it, but he did in fact look like Raphael. He looked entirely like Raphael. In fact I knew for a fact the body that personality was in was the same body Raphael was in. He started to poke at the liver and heart concoction and I thought about a way to try to befriend him.

"Thank you for burning those… keeping us safe." I said kindly or so I thought.

"Don't try to trick me." He growled at me.

"I would never try to trick you." I mean I wasn't trying to trick him. I was in fact trying to just be nice.

"You're a liar."

"I'm not a liar."

Suddenly he ripped his coat open and started to walk to something. Unfortunately I had no idea what he was going to. "Lying is a sin."

"I'm not a liar." I repeated trying to figure out what was coming next. I had angered him. That was a known fact by now thanks to the way he had looked at me with fiery eyes.

He sat on a cot in front of my chair and grabbed my foot. "This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins."

"I'm not a sinner." I insisted. I knew by then I really was lying. I knew somehow I had sinned, at least according to the bible I had. Everyone does.

He took off my shoe to show my black and white striped sock. "We're all sinners." He took off the other shoe to show my gold with black bats on it sock. Yes I wore mismatched socks. It was bad luck to wear matching socks. It was terribly bad luck.

"And the lord spake unto Moses saying speak unto all the congregation of the children of the lord and say unto them 'ye shall be holy for I, the lord your god, are holy." I quoted Leviticus 19:2. Yes I knew the bible. I thought it would be important to know it if a case like this ever happened. I mean I had heard of religious terrorist, so I informed myself in the bible so I could know if the terrorist was bluffing. I had no idea that this would actually come into context.

"You know Leviticus?" He asked looking at my shocked.

I rejoiced silently inside. I had impressed him in some fashion; I had proven that I wasn't like the rest of his victims. I had made him think that I was an in depth Christian like him. I had made him think we had some type of connection. "Every word of the bible. I can recite it for you." I assured.

"The devil knows how to read too." He pointed out.

"I'm not a devil, I'm not a devil." I started to babble in fear. "I'm a man, my name is Spencer Reid," He took off my gold sock. "and I have a mother and a father just like you. And they taught me the bible. Just let me recite the bible." I practically begged.

"It's time to confess Spencer Reid!" He then took the log he had been poking the fish entrails with and struck the bottom of my foot with this.

See what you may not realize is: the soles of your feet contain more sweat glands and sensory nerve endings per square centimeter than any other part of the body. So, after pointing that out, having a piece of wood slammed against the bottom of your foot hurts! So I couldn't contain the yelp that slipped from my lips.

"Confess!"

"I don't have anything to confess." I was determined not to let him win this.

He struck it again and I cried out.

"Confess Spencer Reid!" He yelled.

Again I insisted on my first answer, and again he slammed the wood into my foot. After a while he got annoyed by that and walked off for what ever reason.

I was left there to sit there as my foot screamed in pain. I admit tears did trickle down my face. I'm not one to hold in my pain like Derek did. I had to eventually get it out, and I decided while I was alone I would get my pain out without anyone else noticing.

That entire day I sat there wondering what my future was to be. Would he cut me? Would he stab me? Little did I know in the long term effects the total of pain I would face what he would do would be a hundred times worse.


	3. Chapter 3

As the day went by I couldn't help but let the pessimistic thoughts seep into my constantly active mind. I kept thinking about the fact that I was dying for a drink, and that my body could only reproduce enough water to fill my mouth for about three to five days. So going on the fact the shack got extremely hot during the night, and that I'm not a healthy weight for a man my height and age. I had about another day before severe dehydration was going to settle. I didn't have too much to worry about food since a human could last up to ten weeks without food without dying. I also worried about dying of a heat stroke. I know that sounds stupid, but tin gets really hot during the Georgian summer. I mean the average temperature in Georgia had so far been ninety six degrees, so inside the metal building (which conducts heat) it was about one hundred and twelve degrees. Not only that but I was wearing my normal ensemble of sweater vest, dress shirt, tie, and thick corduroy pants. So I practically burned during the middle of the day. So to say that I was miserable, smelt bad, and felt gross was a major understatement.

I was trying to think about something else when Tobias, as himself, walked in. He was carrying an animal I was almost absolutely sure he had poached the animal. As I looked at it I was almost completely certain it was a sheep. He looked at my sympathetically and said, "You need to eat." He turned back to the oven to start to cook it.

I took that opportunity to ask, "What's you name?" I knew it was a dumb question. I mean I had met him at the house. I knew who he was, but I wanted him to think that I really was interested in him.

He turned back to me and said with what sounded like kindness, "Tobias." I relaxed sort of happy that I was starting to recognize the personalities before they told me who they were. This meant I could react to what they say faster, and I want to be able to keep up the upper hand.

"Tobias, who was here before?" I asked. This personality, I realized, was going to be the one I needed to really befriend. He would be the key to my escape. He seemed to actually care about me. He seemed to know I was a human that deserved rights.

"That was probably my father." He said as he peeled off his bloody gloves that kind of reminded me of those gloves those workers that do back breaking work moving rocks use. He looked at my bare right foot and right arm with its sleeve rolled up. "I'm sorry if he hurt you." He apologized. He sounded so sincere, and he looked so sincere I knew he actually meant it. For a moment he seemed to debate something, and then suddenly he started to take his belt off and walk towards me.

Okay I have to admit something for the moment. At that very moment I was so scared he was going to do what so many unsubs had done to some many hundreds of women. I mean in the job it wasn't weird for the thought to come into my head or for it to actually happen. I mean I wouldn't put it past him. It could have been that and honestly the thought of that happening terrified me more than anything else that I could have thought of at the time. Out of sheer terror I asked, "What are you doing?"

He relieved my fears and enticed my curiosity as he wrapped his belt around my arm kind of like a tourniquet. Then suddenly I realized what he was going to do and that scared me worse than the beatings or the roulette. He was going to drug me. "Don't… please don't." I begged as I started to panic. I knew what drugs could do to you. I had saw it all too many times. It ruined how fast your brain worked, impaired your functions sometimes, and sometimes caused you to suffer delusions.

"It helps." He said and pulled out a vial of some drug (later I would find out it was Dilaudid) and a needle. "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they're here." He told me as he filled up the needle.

"Please… I don't want it, I don't want it. Please." I begged as my phrases started to collide as my fear started to run as high as Mt. Everest… if that was possible. I mean emotions can't really run high. I mean they can rise to a certain extent, but run high they can't. So I don't know why I said that.

"Trust me. I know." Tobias earnestly said to me.

"Please don't." I begged.

Instead of listening to me… he injected me.

Suddenly I passed out and saw my mother, father and little me in their bed room when my father was going to leave me.

"_Spencer please go to your room." My father asked of me. He looked so tired and irritated. _

"_Don't treat him like a child." My mom retorted. At that moment I had loved the fact she saw me as more. But now that I look back on it, I wished that she had seen that yes I was a genius but also I was a child… I mean maturity wise. Unfortunately thanks to my dad leaving and my mom being a schizophrenic meant that I would have to mature a lot faster to eve survive. _

"_I'm not going to have this conversation in front of him." My father said waving his large hand at me. _

"_Statistically children who grow up in multiple parent households attain three or more years of higher education than those in single parent households." I recited from a book I had read when I was trying to find out how my one and only friend, Billy, was going to react when his parents divorced. _

"_We're not statistics Spencer." He snapped at me. _

"_I'm not crazy." My mom said bringing the conversation back to what it had originally been about. It was always what it was about. _

"_You refuse to take care of yourself. I can't help you." He said stuffing clothes in a suit case. _

"_I do take care of myself." My mom argued. Unfortunately I could have agreed with my dad about that. I mean her hair hadn't been brushed in two days and she was wearing the same night gown she had worn all week. _

"_What day is it?" He asked. Okay so in all fairness that wasn't a fair question. I mean if I lived in a house all the time I would have lost track of the day… for a moment. _

"_That's not fair." My mom said sounding upset. _

"_I'm out of ideas Dianna." He said closing his suitcase. _

"_You could take Spencer with you. Just for a little while." That hurt I mean… I had thought that a least she wanted me, but… apparently she didn't… a least that day. I mean I had no idea who she would be the next day. _

"_Don't do this." My dad said going to the door. _

"_You're weak." My mom spat her harsh words at him. She looked so angry she could have really spit on him. _

"_You're right." He started to walk off. He then looked at me. "Good-bye." Then just… left. I never forgave him for that. Never. I wouldn't. I mean what type of man leaves his child to tend to his own wife? What type of man would take a child's childhood away just for his happiness? That's just it. He wasn't a man. He was a wimp. He was a coward. I never could ever consider that man as my dad. I call him my father, because I have to. He was on my birth certificate. Other than that he's just a man that let me down. _

_I hugged my mom. "I'm not weak."_

"_I know honey." My mom replied. _

As I started to wake up from my dream I heard myself mumbling, "I'm not weak. I'm not weak. I'm not weak."

"I don't give a damn whether you're weak or strong." I heard. As I started to open my eyes I saw Tobias bending down. "You mumble boy. Ain't anyone gonna hear you where you are. Suddenly he began to roar to prove his point.

I sat there dumb founded. I mean I couldn't make up my mind whether to laugh or look afraid. He stopped after a moment and then climbed into his cot and started to go to sleep.

I sighed happily knowing he would leave me alone… at least for now. At least for a few hours I was going to be able to relax and try to collect my thoughts before another day full of pain would wash over me.


	4. Chapter 4

"_Spencer come!" I heard a beautiful warm voice. I opened my eyes and found myself in a house. I looked towards the voice nervously scared I was in Tobias's real home or something weird like that. What I saw made me rejoice inside more than I ever had before. "J.J?" I asked reaching for her hand. _

"_Come Spencer!" She said reaching for me too. She had that beautiful smile on her picturesque face. _

_I sat up and tried to grab her hand again._

_Suddenly she was higher than me still reaching for me. "Spencer what are you doing? Grab my hand." She asked of me. _

_I tried again and I was lower than before._

"_Spencer stop that. Grab my hand." She looked at me even more confused than the first time. _

_I tried to tell her I couldn't control it, but nothing came out of my lips! I tried to jump for her. When I did I was suddenly in a deep hole in the ground. _

"_Spencer stop it! Grab my hand!" She yelled looking scared. _

_I tried to figure out what she was worried about when I looked at my body. It was thinner! I was as confused as she was suddenly. I tried to reach for her again and I was deeper. _

"_Spencer please." She begged. Then suddenly she was gone. _

"_J.J! J.J! Jennifer!" I screamed up to the top. "Don't leave me here! Please!" _

Suddenly I was thrown into reality as I heard, "You ready boy?" He grabbed my hair and I looked up at him confused.

"Ready for what?" I asked looking around for any clues to what in god's green earth he was talking about.

"My weakling son thinks god gave you to him for a reason." He threw my head forward, and then said, "Let's see if we're both right." He turned my chair one hundred and eighty degrees to a few computer screens. He put a camera in front of me and put it on record. "You really see inside men's minds? See these vermin?" He pointed to the four computer screens of people doing their daily routines such as cooking and such. "Choose one to die. I'll let you choose who to live."

"No." I whispered.

"I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior?" He asked looking at me with this… smug look on his face that made me so angry I just wanted to get one hit on him. One time would just make my day.

"You're a sadist in a psychotic break. You won't stop killing. Your words aren't true." I looked at the ground knowing the punishment could be utterly terrible.

"The other heathens are watching. Choose a sinner to live and I'll say the name, address, and person to be saved." He pointed to the camera.

When he said that, it gave me a little hope. I decided some how I was going to get them a hint to where I was. I quickly thought of the poaching and decided to use that. "I won't choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains like a poacher." I said staring at the camera. I hoped that since my team was profilers they would profile my weird behavior and use that hint.

Tobias's personality Charles picked me up by the shoulders. "You really see into my mind boy? Can't you see I'm not a liar? Choose one to die and save a life; otherwise they're all dead." He threw me back into the chair.

"Alright I'll choose who lives."

"They're all the same." He said as I looked at the screen looking for any sign of kids.

I couldn't let him kill a parent. That was absolutely sure. I sighed and chose the woman cooking. "Far right screen."

"Marilyn David 4-9-1-3 Walnut road." He turned back to me and I now knew he had changed again. He was now Raphael.

"Raphael."

He turned off the camera. "You've done your part. Now it's my turn." He then left me there all alone.

I kept staring at the computers waiting for one of them not to be home when he arrives. I kept hoping that something good would happen to the unlucky family that he chose. No such luck. Right in front of my eyes he slit the woman's throat and then the man's.

I couldn't help but feel guilt. I had doomed the couple to death. If only I had chosen them maybe…. No I know he would have killed one of the others, but… I was still devastated that that couple HAD to die it seemed. It was as if he took the last fifty to sixty years off that they could have enjoyed. He left children parentless. He left parents childless. He left brothers and sister confused and hurt. He had ruined so many lives in just a few seconds.

I couldn't help but cry to myself as I realized all of the cases that I worked on was exactly like that. The killers that I eventually helped catch ruined so many lives, and they didn't even realize the extent of what they did. They never got punished for harming the family. They only got punished for taking a life. It seemed so wrong!

I was crying when all of a sudden I saw Gideon's face. "Reid if you're watching, you're not responsible for this. You understand me? He's perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He can not break me."

I knew he honestly believed that. But the question for me was: had he already broken me or was worse in store for me? I couldn't imagine what he could do worse to me until the vision of J.J dead passed my thoughts and I cried out in the agony of the thought. I decided to do the one thing I hadn't done since I had decided to become agnostic. Pray. "God if you are there… please just… don't let him hurt her. I beg you. Take my life. I'll do anything if she could live with no pain from this. Please don't let her get hurt. Please."

That night Tobias returned with my nightly drug dose. What day was it? Two? Three? Four? I had lost count… I didn't care anymore. I believed I was going to die, and the only hope for me was to catch Tobias and get him hope. I just took whatever came in ease. It didn't matter anymore. Nothing matter but J.J being okay and Tobias being saved from himself.

"Tobias." I mumbled.

"Sorry I had to leave for a while." He mumbled as he loaded up the needle.

"You can leave again, and you could take me with you." I tried just for the heck of it. What was the use in not at least making a pathetic effort to beg your assailant to save your life?

"My father would be angry."

"Not if he can't find us." I pointed out hoping he didn't know his father was in him.

"He always finds me."

"If you tell me where we are my friends will come, and they'll save us." I tried to beg him some more. I knew it was stupid, but it was my last hope.

He thumped the needle gently, "We can't be saved."

"We can, we can I promise. If you tell me where we are, I'll save us both." I tried just one last time for the night.

"Listen to me. It's not worth fighting. Tell me it doesn't make it better." He looked at me skeptically.

I knew he was talking about the drug. And I had to admit that one moment away from reality was the best part of the entire day. That one moment relived of my pain. I nodded hopelessly.

He injected the drug and I passed out again.

_I was twelve and already responsible of someone… my mother. I pulled up the blinds. "Mom."_

"_What is it baby?" She asked opening her eyes and looking at me. _

"_It's the afternoon." I pointed out to her._

"_I'm resting." She said looking away. _

"_The doctor says you need to get out of bed." I reminded her of what the doctor had told her and me. _

"_I've been reading." She gestured to the huge pile of books on her bed. _

"_He says you need exercise." I sighed almost hopelessly. _

"_Well that's because his good idea of good literature is our bodies, our cells." She pointed out almost sounding like some type of poet. _

"_Well he's your doctor." I said knowing I was losing the battle already. _

"_He's a Neanderthal." She sighed. _

_I started to walk off . _

"_Where are you going?" Mom asked looking concerned as if I was going to go hurt myself or something. _

"_I'm going to go see if Jeff wants to go play." I said making up a name. I had no friends, but I liked to act like it so mom would be more motivated to do something to keep me near by, like keep herself looking and smelling decent. _

"_Come here and let me read to you." She patted the bed. "Hop up."_

_I got on the bed and sat next to mom. _

"_Pick one." She said gesturing to the books. _

"_Mmm…" I said sifting through the books for one I had not heard yet. "This one."_

"_Foose. Beautiful choice." She smiled and opened up the book, "'The smell of the Madeline unleashing the flood of memories. For a long time I used to go to bed early. Sometimes when I put out my candle my eyes would close so quickly I had not even time to say to myself, 'I am falling asleep.''" _


	5. Chapter 5

Calm. It was so quiet. Honestly that scared me more than when his huge form actually approached me with that horrible angry face. I knew this was the calm before the storm… the real storm. Something bad was going to happen, and I was going to get that much closer to the approaching death. It was scary to think what I usually loved so much, peace and quiet, was suddenly turned into something I feared. Something I sat through trying to figure out what he could possibly do to me to make my life that much scarier. That much more horrible. That much more deadly. I felt like I was just awaiting for him to find some reason to hurt me again. It was the most terrible feeling I knew of.

Well it was second honestly. The first was the thought that he had J.J somewhere far from me doing something to her. It was possible. There were times he was gone so long he could have been with her. He could have been beating her using me as a weapon against her. He could have been hurting her worse than me. I mean I had an infinite knowledge of the bible. She had a small recollection of what little she learned in Sunday school. If he did have her she was in much worse shape than I was, and… that scared me almost out of my wits.

I was trying to envision both of us safe in each other arms when all of a sudden I heard, "No. NO!" I looked over to him just as he banged on the desk. "They're trying to silence my message." I looked at the screen and realized Garcia had sent out a message saying that the video he was sending out was a virus.

What a smart girl. I was going to have to thank her for that one day. If I got out of this I would have to thank all of them, but I made a mental note to thank her especially. I knew this would be hard on her. We were her 'babies' and after he showed the video after he beat me I knew she was going to be devastated. Garcia hated to see any of us in pain. She hated to see anyone in pain actually.

"I can't control what they do. I'm not with them. I'm with you." I pointed out almost fearfully. I was scared what he was going to do. I mean he wasn't Rafael other wise I knew he would have played another round of Russian Roulette with me. No. It was Charles.

"Really?" He asked turning to the computer and pulling something up. Suddenly Gideon's message was replaying. He played it all the way through, turned of the computer screens, and then walked over to me. "Do you think you can defy me?"

"I don't know what he's talking about." I denied. In fact I did know what he was talking about. He was talking about me keeping strong until they got here. Gideon and I both knew with me chained down there was absolulty nothing I could do, but keep him at bay.

"You're a liar!" He declared looking down at me angrily.

I looked up at him terrified. I didn't know what to say. I mean what do I say? I could say I'm not a liar, but then he would strike me for lying again. It would be no use. He was already convinced that I was a liar. There was no way to get that thought out of his head. I wished so much there was. My life would be so much easier if I just had some supernatural influence to just make a thought in an Unsub's head just… disappear like smoke in a home after a fire.

He looked like he realized something. Then he quickly, so I couldn't defend myself, pulled up my sleeve and looked at the needle marks his other personality had put in me. "You're pitiful. Just like my son." He muttered.

I started to softly cry. Okay! I know! It sounds wimpy! But you look at my situation! You get beaten on the foot with a stick, drugged, and played Russian roulette and tell me if you're not crying from fear of what's coming next. Next time you go through all of that and don't cry let me know. Then I'll let you have the say on whether I was a wimp or not.

He walked over to the camera and turned it on. "This ends now confess your sins."

I didn't know what to say! I panicked! For a split second my brain didn't function. It just stopped processing anything. All it knew was something terrible was about to happen, and it couldn't do anything.

Suddenly, what felt like, an iron fist came down on my face. It felt like all of the bones in my face imploded and my neurons went crazy with pain. My left eye started to water from the impact and force of his gigantic fist. "Confess!" He yelled.

"I haven't done anything!" I replied as I started to weep. His strikes were ten times more painful than the football players on the football team of the high school I went to. I felt like completely falling apart at the seams at that moment.

He hit me again with even more force than he had last time making me wish I would die already. I would much rather die than have to go through all this pain.

"Tobias, help me!" I begged hoping somewhere deep inside Tobias would do something to make my pain stop. Anything would have helped at that moment.

"He can't help you he's weak. Confess!"

"Tobias.." I started again.

He slapped me again making me feel a terrible stinging on my right cheek causing it to hurt almost as much as my left one which he had punched twice already. He grabbed my long hair and tilted my head back to hear him whisper, "Confess your sins."

"No." I said so softly I swore he would never hear me.

Obviously he did hear me, because the made this awful angry sounding noise and tipped my chair over.

Suddenly everything went white, but I felt my body jerking up and down. I felt the pain of my back slamming on the wood over and over. I felt the pain of my head hitting the floor over and over again, and then… it stopped. The last thing I heard was, "That's the devil vacating your body."

As I have addressed I have no religion, because no evidence of any of them. Well other than evidence of famous figures like: Buddha, Jesus, and Peter, but no proof a god himself exists. So when I found myself in what felt like purgatory I found myself amused. I mean to think that no religion exists then find out you're in purgatory makes you feel… weird. I sat there for a moment looking… or what felt like looking up… or was it down? I couldn't tell. It was like I was in the middle of an empty off white area where I couldn't tell if I was moving, and if I was which way I was looking. I closed my eyes and thought of something peaceful. Death wasn't so bad… or so it felt. I mean an eternity like this could be miserable, but for a moment death was amazing.

Suddenly I felt pressure on my chest. "No." I heard myself whisper, but I couldn't feel my lips move against each other as the word softly came out in barely a breath. "Please don't. Let me die." I begged who ever was reviving me. I didn't want to live. I just… I wanted to stay here forever. But soon my stupid body forced me to take a deep breath in. As I did so I suddenly saw a clue to where we were. I saw tombstones and took a leap in thought and decided we were in a cemetery.

"You came back to life." I heard him say almost softly.

I soon realized it was the more peaceful of the two violent personalities. "Raphael." I whispered.

"It can only be one of two reasons." He said skeptically.

"I was given CPR." I pointed out trying to crack the first joke I had in days.

"There are no accidents. How many members are on your team?" He asked looking down at me curiously. It was as if he ignored my joke entirely.

"Seven." I said in question.

"The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first followed hell and fire mixed with blood, and they were thrown to the earth." He said and sat my chair up. I braced myself on the edge of the chair to keep from falling. "Tell me who you serve." He ordered.

"I serve you." I said quickly hoping to figure out what he was doing. I had a hunch I just hoped my intuition was wrong. Usually it wasn't wrong. I knew that. When I did have an intuition something was going to end bad or good it usually ended that way. I just… I wished that moment that it was one of those rare times that it was wrong.

"Then choose one to die." He ordered.

"What?" I asked acting like I was confused.

"Your team members. Choose one to die." He commanded.

"Kill me." I begged him. I'd much rather have him hurt me than my team members. They meant too much to too many people. I had my mother and them. No one else would care that there was no more Spencer Matthew Reid on the planet.

"You said you weren't one of them." He pointed out.

"I lied." I admitted waiting on him to finally kill me. I admitted to my sin already. I hoped this would finally end it all.

"Your team has six other members. Tell me who dies."

I shook my head only a little. "No."

He pulled out the gun and pointed at me. He turned the cylinder and closed it. "Choose according to God's word."

"No." Now I was thinking of something fast. If I was going to die I was going to die giving them a hint. I finally decided I was going to fight him. I wasn't going to let Charles and Raphael get away with this. I mathematically figured out how much time I had and then started to think about every conversation I had had lately and every bible verse. Maybe I could use that to my advantage.

He pulled the trigger and it was blank. Hotch I had had a conversation with him about what classic narcissism was. That was against the bible.

"No."

He pulled the trigger again and it was blank. "Choose." He ordered again. Okay so what was a verse on cemeteries?

"I won't do it."

Again he pulled the trigger and it was a blank. One more blank and then I had to make up my mind. A verse! What was the verse I needed? "Life is a choice." He said.

"No." I said again. Finally I got it!

Again it was blank. It was time to make up my mind. "Choose."

I waited a moment to make it looked like I was panicked and then I said, "I choose Aaron Hotchner. He's your classic narcissist. He thinks he's better than everyone on the team. Genesis twenty- three: four, 'Let him not deceive himself in trust, emptiness, vanity, falseness, and futility. For shall be his recompense." In fact I had actually quoted Job 15: 31.

He sot the gun and it was a real bullet. I flinched as the loud sound went off. He opened the cylinder and dropped the empty shell casing. Then he showed me the new bullet, "For god's will." He put the bullet in the gun and turned the cylinder and closed it.

I watched as he turned to the computers. "It's not time. I'll wait until later." He then left the place.

As I sat there I couldn't believe my luck. I mean… who gets lucky enough to have that much time to that entire plan out in their head? I took a deep breath to try to keep myself from over reacting to everything.

I was trying to relax completely when Tobias walked in with wood and he was himself. He got some water in a small cup. He walked over to me. He started to give me some water.

"Tobias, hey." I said softly glad he was there instead of the others. I was so grateful at least one of the personalities had some type of humanity in them. Tobias was the only reason I was alive at that very moment.

"Hey, now drink." He said just as softly as if we were friends.

I took another sip, and then said, "Thank you. You saved my life." I smiled gratefully at him.

After a small silence her said, "I'm sorry."

"Why?" I asked confused and worried.

"He'll win in the end." He seemed to look… defeated. It was as if he felt like there was absolutely nothing he could do. This, in all honesty, was true.

"Tobias I need to know something that's important. Are we in a commentary?" I asked hopeful.

He nodded.

I smiled and nodded to myself rejoicing inside.

"I used to come here to get high." He started.

I was off in my own little world rejoicing that I might just live. I might just survive. "I was right."

"No one bothers you here. I never told anyone about it." He said and injected me.

Suddenly I saw I was eighteen again. I had two men from the mental health facility near by.

"_What are these men doing here?" She asked looking at the bulky men. _

"_They're from the hospital. They're here to help."_

"_I don't need help." She started to shake her head. She knew she was lying. She needed help. Honestly it was getting so bad she sometimes locked me out of my own house, because she thought I was the government or something to come and get her. "You can't be here without permission. Tell them Spencer." She said looking back at her books. Little did she know that the one man that she thought would help her would hurt her. _

"_I called them." I admitted trying to keep eye contact with her. That was hard considering I felt like I deserved to burn in hell for letting this happen to her. I felt so guilty for not helping her out. _

_She looked up at me wounded. "Spencer."_

"_I'm doing this for you." I said with a dry throat caused by the night before. I had cried all that night feeling terrible for seeking them out. I felt terrible because I couldn't help her. I felt terrible, because I had to rip her from her home. _

"_This isn't legal." She shook her head. _

"_Your son is eighteen ma'am. He can act in your welfare." The big chocolate colored man said. _

"_You need help." I admitted looking down at her feeling helpless. _

_She started to cry making me feel even worse, "I want to stay here."_

"_I'm sorry." I whispered hoping that would make it all better. I knew it didn't, but… I could just… hope. _

_The doctors started to approach her. _

"_Please these are my things. This is my life." She practically begged them. They ignored her plea and helped her out of her chair. _

"_I'm sorry." I said again feeling it necessary to say. _

"_Spencer, please don't do this to me." She begged crying. _

_I started to cry to myself as the delusion started to fade. _"I'm sorry." I said asleep. "I'm so sorry." I said as I slowly awoke.

"What are you sorry for boy?" Charles asked looking down at me scornfully.

"I sent her away." I admitted not wanting to look at his face.

"Who?" He asked. It seemed like such a simple question, but it mattered so much. If I had said my friend it wouldn't have mattered.

"My mom." I licked my lips unconsciously. "I couldn't… I couldn't help her." I admitted.

"Is that a confession?" He asked sounding almost hopeful. It seemed almost awful to me that someone would look forward to killing someone. It was like he didn't realize the toll he caused. He didn't realized how much harm he had caused already.

Suddenly it hit me. What if my team was looking for me? It would be easier to find me in the actual cemetery and not in here. I had to be in the cemetery. I nodded. "I confess."

"You know your bible. Exodus 21:17." He pointed out.

I took a deep breath. "And he that curseth his father… or his mother shall surely be put to death." I repeated what I memorized.

Charles walked over to me. He unchained my dirty and weak hands. It felt like an incredibly enormous weight was lifted off of my hands. It was magnificent and freeing. "Grab shovel." He instructed me.

I glanced around and unhurriedly hobbled over to a shovel and grabbed one. I then follow him to where he guided me.

"Dig." He pointed to the ground not so far from a grave. I looked at him with a question on my face. I mean… was he really going to make me defile someone else's grave?

I got on the ground like he said and started, but I was so weak I couldn't get much done honestly. Even if I hadn't been starved for three days, beaten, or any of the other things he did to me I still wouldn't have been strong enough to do much.

"I'll bury you alive in there. You need time to think about what you've done." Was I the only one that wondered if at that moment he was repeating the Nazis? He was trying to bury me alive in my own hole that I was digging.

"I know what I've done." My voice croaked as I tried to talk.

"Don't talk back to me. Dig. What are you stopping for?" He asked.

I continued as he asked. What was good about not being built for real labor was that I didn't get that much done in a long amount of time. I was built for drinking lots of coffee and figuring out the questions of life. I wasn't meant to move loads of dirt.

"Dig faster." He ordered me.

"I'm not strong enough." I admitted.

"You're all weak." He said and took off his coat.

Out not that far from me I started to see flashlight beams not that far from me. I knew it was my team and my heart raced knowing I was near freedom.

"Get out of there." He ordered me. He saw me looking at the light and turned around to see what I was looking at.

I grabbed the gun out of his coat and pointed it at Charles. This was it. It was the moment I had to decide if killing Raphael and Charles were worth killing Tobias.

He turned to me and pointed the knife he had in his hand at me. "There's only one bullet in that gun boy." He said and started to run towards me.

My hands shook as I tried to keep the gun steady when I pulled the trigger. My shot was true and he fell like Goliath. It was a powerful sound to my ears. My head throbbed from the sound of the gun and him hitting the ground. I wanted to cover my ears and ignore the rest of the world.

"Reid!" I heard Gideon yell. I knew he was going to be worried I had been the one shot. I was so glad he was near- by. It gave me that feeling of safety that I hadn't had in over three days. He was the one man in the world that I considered my father figure since my real sperm donor really wasn't a father in my eyes. He was a coward. He was a horrible person that left me alone to fend for myself.

I stumbled over to Tobias and moved his knife out of his reach. I hoped that maybe I hadn't killed him. I hoped that maybe he was just wounded. I never wanted to kill him. Just maim or wound. Never kill.

"You killed him." Tobias said. He was himself again. Damn it! Why did he have to do this? Why did he have to be the one personality that I didn't want to kill? Why did he have to make me doubt the move I had just made? Why did he have to make me feel guilty?

"Tobias." I said wishing it was any of the other personalities. Any of them would have made it so much better.

"There he is." I heard Hotch say. Hotch… the man that was powerful when the rest of us were falling apart. The man that I had given the key to my clues was so close.

"Do you think I get to see my mom again?" Tobias asked.

"I'm sorry." I said softly wishing somehow he could.

Then I saw the life leak out of his eyes. He was dead. My torturer and hero was dead… in the same exact moment.

Then I looked up at the upcoming team. They all put away their guns. "Reid?" Hotch asked helping me up. "You alright?"

I sighed glad he'd realized what I meant. "I knew you'd understand." I hugged Hotch.

Then I saw the woman that could only be described as a Greek goddess, but so much more beautiful. She looked so worried for me. She looked so concerned, but she was okay physically! He hadn't got to her! I limped over to her and I heard as we both started to cry.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered.

"It's alright. It wasn't your fault." I knew it was my fault. I should have told her to split up from me. I should have stayed with her.

Gideon then took me from her. He started to take off with me. "Let's get you out of here."

"Can I have a second alone?" I asked him.

He smiled a little and left me alone.

I limped over to Tobias and stole the drug from Tobias. I knew, thanks to him, I needed it more than anything else.


	6. Chapter 6

When I got to the hospital they said that compared to what it could have been I was lucky. Great I'm lucky. I'm lucky that I got beat. I'm lucky that he drugged me. I'm lucky. Well I hate luck. When they got finished I redressed (they had made me change so they could x-ray me), and I headed to go home. I was putting my red sweater vest on when I heard a knock on the hospital door. "Come in." I mumbled.

I sighed when I saw it was J.J. She looked so upset and guilty. It was as if the whole world had been set upon her shoulders kind of like what Atlas had been made to do… you know… in Greek Mythology. Her beautiful blue eyes looked up at me, and suddenly I was lost in the abyss of her eyes. It was as if I was drowning in an ocean of blue compassion. She looked me over and then asked, "How are you?"

I looked down at my bandaged foot not sure what to say. I nodded to myself. "Fine." I was never one to say much honestly. I had always been that guy that kept to myself unless someone asked about a fact or a statistic. I looked at the wall feeling uncomfortable. I hated when someone didn't intervene in the conversation and say something after I said something short, because I felt like they were trying to force me to come up with something more than I already said.

I heard a shuffling of feet and then I felt the bed beside me move. Suddenly my senses went crazy as I smelt her wonderful fragrance. It smelt like all of the wonderful things in the earth. It was amazing, and I couldn't help but want to be closer. But If I did that she would suspect something, because I wasn't normally someone to scoot closer to someone. So I just tried to keep my distance and still be able to smell her. "Spencer… I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have split up from you."

I looked up at her for a second not sure what to say. Then I said the only thing I could think of, "J.J it was my fault…"

She started to say something, and I put my finger up.

"Please don't interrupt me." I asked over her looking into her eyes. "I shouldn't have asked you to split up from me. You could have gotten hurt, and I didn't think of that. I should have. I just… I wanted to be like Derek and Hotch, but I'm not them. I need to realize that. And because I hadn't excepted that I got you hurt." I sighed and pointed to her hand.

She looked at me stunned as I stood up and limped away.

I didn't want to talk to her anymore. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be like I always had been. Alone. No one ever really wanted to be with me. Gideon had me convinced before he just left with nothing but some dumb ass letter trying to explain why he left me. My mom had tried to give me up to my father who wouldn't even think about taking me in. The rest of the team I was nothing but a co-worker.

I was walking out of the hospital when realized that I had no way home. "Damn it!" I cried out and stared out at the parking lot. "You know what? I'm just going to walk home." I groaned and started to walk. As I walked I realized my foot started to hurt more and more as I walked further and further. I started at the stupid limb for a moment and then said, "I wish they had just cut you off."

"Hey Spence do you need a ride home?" I looked up to the black SUV pulling up, and I saw J.J slowing down. She smiled and gestured to the passenger side.

I looked at my cursed foot, and then I walked to the other side of the van. I clambered in and sat in the comfy seat. I sighed and buckled myself in. I looked at her for a moment and then I said, "Thank you." I looked out the window to make sure I didn't stare at her, because I didn't want to make her feel awkward.

"Spence… are… you're not…" She sighed and kept looking out the window. She didn't even finish what she was going to say.

I looked at her curiously, "What… what were you going to say?" I asked worried something was wrong. Maybe she realized how I felt. Maybe she was mad at me… she should be.

She pulled up at my house. She grabbed my arm gently, "Spence you don't look so well. Are you sure you don't want to talk?" She asked.

I glared at her, "I'm sorry. I'll make sure to look better next time I get beaten." I grumbled and clambered out of the car. I leaned on my hurt foot for a moment and ended up on my hands and knees. I cried out in pain and then forced myself to get up.

"Spence are you…" She started to ask from inside the car. She looked so concerned.

"What do you care?" I asked and slammed the door in her face. I quickly limped to my door, and I unlocked it.

When I walked in I glared at the stupid house. I looked at the living room and groaned. I realized that I had left it in a semi-mess and it was going to bother me until I cleaned it up. I limped to the table next to the long bookshelf and looked at the open books on the table. "Ted Bundy." I mumbled to myself the name of the book. I closed it and shelved it with the other two books that had been on it. I hung my coat up in the coat closet that was next to a door that was next to my bookcase. I walked to the game cabinet and reorganized the games in it. I put my Sudoku book on top of the chess board which was on top of my go board which was on top of some puzzles. I sighed and looked at my tan suede couch and recliners and was relieved to find them clean.

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed me some real food from the nice fridge. I had used all the money I could on making my home feeling like home. It turned out to be useless seeing as no one but Gideon and I ever came inside it.

When I finished the apple I threw away the core and walked up the stairs and walked down the hall to my room. When I opened the door I finally felt at home. I loved how this room was everything that screamed me. It was who I was. This room was the only room I really let myself loose on seeing as I was sure no one was ever going to come in here.

I looked at the navy blue blankets and smiled. I stripped my sweater vest off and threw it in the hamper next to my T.V that I never turned on. I started to unbutton my shirt as I walked to my desk. I sat down and decided to check on my mother. I did have an email, but only her doctor had the email addressed. I had lied to my co-workers about having it, because I really hated to use it when they could just call me any time.

As my lap top turned on I looked at the things on my desk: brain in a jar, bugs in a container, an old coffee mug, and highlighters and other writing things. I grabbed my rubicks cube and mixed it up. I solved it, and then I put my password in.

I checked my email and found out my mom was doing wonderful, and that I had nothing to worry about. I sent him an email saying I was glad, and that I might visit her soon. I turned off the computer and then closed it. I then went to my dresser. I picked out some night clothes and threw the rest of the clothes I was wearing in the hamper.

I went to the shower, turned it on, and clambered in. It felt good to have the warm water running off of my body… to feel the dirt slowly leaving my body. I sighed as the steam helped clear my mind. As I washed my hair I couldn't help but shiver as I remembered the pain I had felt when he threw me onto the floor. I sighed and slowly rinsed my hair. When I finished my shower I covered up the mirror not wanting to see what I looked like. I couldn't stand to see the man in the mirror. I dressed quickly, and then went to my actual room.

I laid down and started to go to sleep.

"_Spencer!" I heard a woman screaming. _

_I looked up and then I saw as Tobias slit the woman's throat. Blood spattered all over my face as her jugular shot out blood. I reached up to my face and felt my skin burning. I tried to get the blood off, but all that happened was that blood got on my hands and started to burn them. "My skin!" I cried out. _

"_This is your fault." He pointed to the woman and then walked off. _

_I crawled to the woman and rolled her over so I could see her face. "JJ!" I cried as I realized who it was. I pulled her into my arms and started to cry. _

When I was thrown back into the real world I was covered in a cold sweat, and I had tears trickling down my face. I sat up and rested my face on my knees. "JJ." I whimpered. I realized that I was going to be suffering through night mares like this through out the whole night. I couldn't do that. I needed some sleep. I realized there was a simple solution to my problem.

I sat up and walked to my hamper slowly. I pulled out my pants, and I pulled out the tiny little bottles. I slowly walked back to my bed and sat on the edge of it. I peered at the bottles and finally saw the word, 'Dilaudid' printed across it. I sighed and stared at the stupid translucent bottle.

'Dilaudid has two to eight times the painkilling effects of morphine.' I recited in my head. I knew all the statistics known for drugs. I knew everything, or so everyone thought so. I didn't know everything, and I wished they would stop thinking that I did. I felt like the only reason they wanted to ever be around me was to ask me about facts. What did they really know about me? I'm a prodigy, my mom was a schizophrenic, and that I enjoy coffee.

They didn't care to get to know that I knew how to play violin, piano, and guitar. They didn't care to ask, "Hey Spencer what did you do this weekend?" Well… they did, but then they made up stupid things I might do. Stereotypical things. They didn't think that maybe I like to cook. I love to cook. I like to dance… well tango.

But did they ever ask me that? No. They didn't care. No one cared. No one seemed to care for me… or so I thought.

I stared at the bottle for a moment as the pain of the admittance of what I had thought for so long seemed to swallow my poor, already in pain, body. I needed it now. I filled up a needle and slowly took the drug. The wonderful feeling of euphoria passed through me and then… it stopped. I passed out.


	7. Chapter 7

So I don't own Criminal Minds, J.J, Spencer, or any of the other things that I have included in here. Though the plot is ENTIRELY mine. I am indeed proud where this went. So Read and Review please. Criticize me, but please tell me what I did wrong. Write that you love it, but PLEASE include something about why you loved it. I know that's a lot to ask of, but I would REALLY appreciate it. I write this for you guys, and I want to hear from you guys.

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><p>That next morning I awoke with this odd feeling of something buzzing. It was as if the room was… vibrating with something in my pants a few feet away in my hamper. I crawled over to it, and I realized it was my phone. I flipped it open shocked someone was calling me on the weekend. No one ever called me unless it was Derek to invite me to some double date, so the other girl wouldn't get kicked out. But then she'd get bored with me and go flirt with some other guy. It was always stupid, and I hated it. I sighed and answered, "Hello?"<p>

"Spencer… I…. I was wondering if I could come over. You know… visit for a little while?" I heard J.J's beautiful voice ask of me. I was surprised she had called me. She never did that. She wasn't mean like I felt the others try to be. She just let me be alone in my home, and she didn't seem interested in trying to embarrass me and put me with women who were obviously awkward around me.

I wobbled as I struggled to stand up as I felt as if the world was turning in some cataclysmic event. I walked to the bathroom and looked at myself to see if she would notice my… episode last night. I didn't look any different than any other day... well other than the obvious bruises. I saw tired eyes and stupid skinny stature. She wouldn't notice anything different I concluded to myself. "Sure. When can I expect you?" I asked curiously and went to my closet to pick out my clothes for the day.

"How about in an hour and a half?" She asked sounding like she was doing something too. Maybe she was so excited she decided to take her time on her clothes picking, and then FINALLY she decided on some. Then she was getting them now… if only that was true. I rolled my eyes to myself.

"Should I make lunch?" I asked as I picked out a pair of black corduroy pants.

She didn't answer for a moment and my heart suddenly stopped as I worried if I had said something stupid. I worried I had maybe made it sound too much like a date or something. I felt so terrible I started to stumble over my words. "I mean I just thought maybe while you were visiting we could eat lunch. I mean… not like a date or something. Just… just like a casual lunch. Nothing special… not that going on a date with you would be a bad thing. I just… I don't want it to be awkward or something and…" I started.

"Spence I'd love to have lunch. I'll bring it over. I'm a better cook." She stated as if it was something casual that I should already know and face. It was as if she never realized how much I loved to talk about the recipes she and Prentiss talked about sometimes. It was as if she was blind… but weren't they all?

I bit my lip knowing how I really wanted to retort to that. Then I finally decided that I wasn't going to let her continue to think that the only things I knew were in books. I decided to let her know how good a cook I was. I wanted to show her I wasn't a flat character… I was a round character in our story book of life. . "J.J actually I'd rather make lunch."

"But Spence…" She started.

"I insist."

She sighed, "Okay Spencer. You cook. I'll see you in an hour and a half." She then hung up.

"What happened to good-bye?" I asked myself and hung up. I then dressed quickly. I slowly walked down the stairs as I contemplated what I would make. I decided I would make a delectable meal of mushroom burgers. I thought that would only be fitting. She would then realize that yes I could cook for myself. Maybe that would make her wonder more about me. Maybe she would like me a little bit more. I shook my head and scolded myself for thinking such thoughts. J.J could never love me.

I quickly started on the burgers knowing I didn't have much time. Then I started on some homemade fries. When I finished I smiled to myself at my beautiful work. I had to admit to myself I was proud of myself. I then went to my neighbors house and got some fresh roses cut low enough to sit in a bowl that wouldn't overwhelm the table and cover our faces. When I finished I put some nice-ish music on. Something that would say that this is what Spencer normally listens to on the weekends while he is alone.

Then I sat down on my couch and patiently waited for her to come. I started to read Le Morte D'Arthur by Sir Thomas Malory. Ever since Randall Garner called me Sir Percival I have been intending on reading this book, but… my job stopped me from being able to. So to be able to finally sit down with a book was wonderful. I relaxed and tried to lie back when I felt the bruises on my back scream and I sat back up.

I was reading about Merlin and the eleven kings when I heard the door bell. I stood up slowly, and then I shelved my book. As I walked to the door my heart raced as I realized this would be the moment that someone finally enters my safety area. It would be the first time someone would discover who I am. I nervously started to pick at my nails as I wondered if this was a good idea. Maybe I should just act sick and try it another time…. sometime when I was myself… when I wasn't struggling with so much.

The sound of the door bell ringing again knocked me into reality, and without my permission my body moved me and opened the door. "Hello J.J." I said nervously.

"Hi Spencer." She smiled brightly and somehow blinded me in her amazing abyss of happiness. She wore a beautiful ensemble of a tie-dye skirt, a white blouse, and gladiator shoes. I had never seen her so casual. It was amazing to see her relaxed around me. She stared at me a moment then asked, "Can I come in?"

I shook my head mentally scolding myself. "Of course. Come on in." I forced myself to smile. "Can… can I get you something to drink?" I asked casually. I waved to my living room couch. "Do… do you want a seat?" I asked starting to walk to the kitchen thinking she would want a drink.

"Can I have some water?" She asked looking at my books. She ran her hands over the edges. "This is amazing. How many books do you own?" She asked knowing I would know the answer to that question instantly.

"Ice or no ice?" I asked. "Two thousand eight hundred and sixty three."

"Ice please. That's a lot of books." She mumbled almost so I couldn't hear.

I quickly finished her drink and gave it to her.

"How many movies to you have?" She asked.

I laughed at her question. I knew once I told her she was going to laugh at me and wonder why so. "Less than a twenty." I shrugged my shoulders.

She looked at me with questions in her eyes, "Have you watched anything modern?" Her beautiful blue eyes looked at me curiously.

"Umm… Titanic?" I asked hoping I was close.

"Dear John?"

"What's that?" I asked confused suddenly. "That sounds terrible. That's a letter you give to a man when you're leaving him. I would never read something like that." I pointed out.

"It's a romance movie. Twilight?" She asked.

I looked at her with a burning and irritated look. "After I read the first so many pages I got fed up and closed it. There is no way I'm going to watch the movie."

"What irritated you?" She asked with that beautiful smile I had to answer.

"Well… how fast are you supposed to fall in love? And wasn't he mean to her at first? Honestly I would have taken my Biology book and hit the jerk in the back of the head for acting like that. A guy should always treat the love of his life with the upmost respect and kindness. Not only that according to what I heard from my cousin he leaves her in New Moon! That's terrible. Edward is a bad guy. I don't care about his reasoning. If Bella was in ANY danger he shouldn't have left." I pointed out vehemently. That was only a small part of what annoyed me, but I stuck with what I could.

She started to giggle at me! She was laughing at my opinion. She wasn't taking what I was saying into to truth. She thought I was joking.

I looked away stung and went to the oven and pulled out the burgers. "Are you hungry?"

She looked at me confused, "What… what did I do wrong?"

"Nothing." I lied. I didn't care to tell her that she had really hurt my feelings. It didn't matter she probably didn't even care that she had.

"You're lying. I don't have to be a profiler to see that. Please talk to me Spencer." She asked of me. Unexpectedly she was at my side and her arm was on my shoulder. It was comforting… almost soothing. It felt so right.

But I pulled away as if I had been touched by a hot pan right off of the oven. I knew that if I stood there any longer I would have started to think that maybe she had more feelings for me than what she really had, and then… I would have never been the same. I looked down at her with burning hurt eyes, "J.J, I was serious. I meant all of that. If I had been Edward I wouldn't have left Bella. I would have stayed outside her house waiting for that Victoria woman. He was stupid and selfish. He was a coward."

She stared at me for a moment as if she was sizing up what I was saying. It was as if she really cared what I said. Then out of the blue suddenly I felt her lips on mine.

I felt a rush of feelings as she kissed me. First was relief… she really loved me. Then… doubt, hurt, and anger. I pushed her away. "Get out." I ordered her with tears of pain welling up in my eyes.

She looked up at me with hurt eyes, "I thought… I thought…"

"I thought that you were better than that. I thought that you were higher than tricking, 'Gullible little Spencer'. Apparently you aren't. It was fun wasn't it? This charade? Huh? Is Morgan listening laughing too? Get out! I'm glad you had so much fun! Go watch the video of how you tricked me!" I yelled and cried at the same time as I realized how much it hurt when she actually did what I had feared she would do. When she ripped my heart out it felt like she had taken a screwdriver and slowly cut my ribs, and then she had finally taken her hand and ripped it out without a thought or care of what it would do to me.

For a moment I swear she was completely still. It was as if she was dead… frozen stiff in one place. Then she walked closer to me and cupped my face in her hands, "I don't know what is going on in that big brain of yours, but you need to realize that not everyone is what they seem." She scolded me and then left.

I stood there shocked at what had just happened: I opened up about myself, she laughed at me, I opened up again, she used my vulnerability and tricked me, I yelled at her, and she scolded me. How did that happen?

Suddenly the need for my pain killer was almost too much. I walked up the stairs not caring what really happened to me. I filled up the whole needle hoping to escape for a very long time. As I filled up my vein with the wonderful feeling of euphoric poison I smiled to myself. The pain was gone. JJ was gone.


	8. Chapter 8

So I'm not very good a profiling… at all, and I would feel VERY bad to give you misleading information. So I kind of skip through things like that with lame excuses and thoughts. I'm REALLY sorry if that bothers you. I hope you can forgive me for that.

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><p>Chapter 8<p>

After about three weeks they finally let me back on the field and I was able to travel with the rest of the team. Honestly I was really glad to get back to work. I was starting to worry about myself when I started to look forward to the daily cleaning. My house by now looked like the cleanest house I had ever been in. I had even done all of my laundry… something I had been putting off, because I tend to want to sort them color wise: blues, blacks, whites, and on like that.

So now I was on the plane trying to focus on the case, but it was so hard. Every time I looked at the girls I couldn't help but empathize with them. I knew what that split second of fear for death is like. I knew what it was like to be cornered and feel like there was no where to go but towards your attacker. I couldn't help but flashing back to Tobias and his other personalities. It was like I was stuck in this horrible rut that I could never get out of. I kept trying to climb out with facts and statistics, but nothing seemed to help me! I felt helpless without a clear mind! It was like a limb had been taken away from me…. no it was worse. It was like not having any of my limbs. I had been so used to functioning on higher up thoughts and processes that now I felt like there was nothing I could do. I felt like I was dragging my body everywhere as my mind made feeble attempt after feeble attempt to try to crawl out of the rut.

As I struggled the whole team seemed to be unraveling the case quickly and I was just watching trying to blend in and insert a fact here or there. I finally relaxed when Hotch put me on geographic profiling. When I got to the police office I gasped as I realized how hot it was in the office, "Umm… is there any air conditioning in here?" I asked the sheriff who had led me here.

"Well… we did, but something went wrong and now we don't. I sorry this isn't the best conditions. I would say that we make it up with good coffee, but sadly that isn't true." She pointed out to the gross looking coffee. "But this is where you'll be set up." The dark haired woman sighed as she gestured to a small tightly packed area.

I sighed and nodded, "Thank you. This will work." I tried to reassure her and I. I walked into the room slowly as I examined the room to see if they had forgotten anything that we had asked for. Thank god they had put a map on the wall of the town. I sighed and sat my messenger bag in a chair glad to finally feel comfortable in my skin. I pulled out some pins from my bag and turned to the map. I started to pin down where the girls had been kidnapped, and then (in a different color) I pinned where they had been dumped. I was triangulating where they would be when I heard, "This coffee is gross."

I turned to see who it was, and I found J.J talking to some dark haired guy. "I'm sorry Jennifer. I could make some more. But only for you babe" He smiled at her flirtatiously and then he winked at her!

She smiled at him brightly as if they had something special only between them, "No you don't have to do that Will." I thought for a moment that maybe she was just trying to get her way. I mean we had seen her do that so many times by now we just ignored it and acted like it didn't happen. It got us where we needed in the case, so we didn't bother to scold her for using her… womanly abilities.

But I had always felt uncomfortable… every single time. I hated to see her do that. I felt as my stomach lurched seeing her do that. I knew I shouldn't feel so… jealous. I mean… she wasn't mine. She never was. She never would have been. She wasn't ever going to seriously see me any different. But all the same I felt like I was going to vomit out my soul right there. I tried to rip my eyes from the heart breaking sight, but my dumb body wasn't listening. I had to watch as Will leaned forward and kissed her in a way that should never be allowed at work.

"That should be you!" My heart screamed at me.

"Don't listen to him. You know you aren't right for her. He's probably a better guy." My mind reminded me.

But that didn't matter at that moment. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me when J.J pushed Will away after he started to lift his hand up to places he should never touch, and she turned to me, "Spencer don't you have something to do?"

"Don't you?" I asked softly and turned to the board. I felt like my whole body had been drained. I was empty. I had nothing left. I knew my comment was a little rude, but I couldn't hold back at least something to get my hurt, anger, frustration, and jealousy out. Something had to break.

I heard as she sighed, whispered something to the guy, and then I felt her beside me, "I'm sorry you had to see that." She said lightly as I saw the injudicious foul creature walked away.

"Why would it matter?" I asked as I scribbled on a paper trying to get a pen to work. "I mean you're not my… we're not in a relationship." I answered stumbling over my words. Sometimes I seriously wondered if deep down under all of those facts and statistics I was an idiot. I mean who stumbles over something like that?

"Well neither are Will and I." She sighed and leaned against the board making it tilt a little.

I sighed and pointed to the board, "You're seriously distracting me." I pointed out fixing it back to the way it was supposed to be as she moved. I had to admit to myself the pretty little blush that crept on her cheeks was… nice. I had no idea what it was, but to see her blush was beautiful.

"I'm really not in relationship with him." She lied again. She should have known I would have noticed. I'm a profiler after all.

"Sure looked like it to me." I muttered. "But sure okay. You two aren't dating." I just gave up acting like I actually cared. "This is where the last girl was kidnapped right?" I asked trying to distract her from the obviously awkward and (un-obvious) hurtful conversation.

She nodded, "Yeah right there." She pointed out near the green tack I had put up already. "Spencer I'm really not dating him." She tried again staring at me as if I had done or said something wrong again.

I sighed and stood up to my full height, "What should I care? Honestly, Why should I care that you're dating some random guy with a fake accent and a disregard for you?" I mumbled and turned back to the board.

"A disregard for me?" J.J asked sounding shocked. "Fake accent?"

"He's trying fake a Louisiana accent, and he doesn't exactly get all of the words right, and it's obvious he has a disrespect of you." I mumbled as I stabbed the board with a pin. "Any normal guy wouldn't have tried to… umm…" I blushed and bit my lip, "touch you like that in front of a whole bunch of people. That's supposed to be intimate and not public. It looked like he was either trying to brag that he had you or that he was trying to humiliate you." I pointed out.

"What?" She inquired staring at me as if I had spoken Croatian.

I first glanced at her trying to figure out what his whole charade, where she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about, was going. But when I saw that she really had no idea what I was talking about I looked shocked at her, "You didn't notice this before?" I asked nervously trying to hide it. "How long have you two been together?"

"About two months." She muttered and leaned on a table in front of the board.

I stared at her slightly annoyed as I realized she tried to cheat on him with me… and not only that but she tired to lie to me about being with him. "You kissed me… and tired to lie about him…." I started to say.

"I know." She admitted looking down at her feet guiltily. I felt bad for her instantly, and suddenly I didn't have the heart to pursue it. I couldn't get myself to ask the questions I wanted oh so bad to ask. _Why did you do that? What was the purpose? Did it mean anything to you? Do I mean anything to you?_

"J.J with in two months of knowing you, and he's trying… things like that? Don't you think maybe this one isn't a keeper?" I asked trying to look placid so she didn't think I was too worried. I didn't want her to think I was too involved in the situation. That would be terrible, because then she would think that I'm only saying this to get her to dump him and go out with me. I was trying to convince her to dump him, but it was only for her well being. I didn't like the vibe I was getting from this guy.

She looked at the wall for a moment as if she was really thinking about what I said, and then she turned to me all too quickly for me to realize she had even taken a step closer. "What do you care?"

"I… I… I'm your friend." I stuttered over my words. "I… I'm supposed to care about things like that." I pointed out. "I would have done the same for Emily."

She sighed and took a step back, "Yeah you're right. I… I should have known."

"Why were you even dating that guy?" I asked curiously. "I'm sure he showed signs of being a bad egg even on the first date." I turned back to my board and drew the triangle of where the Unsub must have lived.

"Because the guy I want to be with is blind." I heard her mumble under her breath.

I looked at her confused, "What guy would be blind of you? He must be really stupid." I pointed out bluntly.

She rolled her eyes, "Has anyone ever called you stupid?"

"What?" I asked confused going to the coffee pot.

"Because you just called yourself stupid." She said sitting on the table.

I looked at her shocked, "What… not… no." I stumbled over my words. "No… not here. You can't do this here." I said as the words rolled over my tongue before I could think about them. "You can't. No. You're lying." I said harshly.

Suddenly I jumped and the coffee in my hand tipped onto my hand as I heard, "What is she lying about?"

"Ow! Morgan you scared me!" I shrieked and sat down the coffee. I got some paper towels and wiped off the sticky substance.

"Sorry pretty boy." He sighed and looked at the board, "Wow, you've got farther than any of us. So what were you lying about?" He asked J.J.

"I was lying about how many glasses it would take to get Reid drunk." She flashed her beautiful smile at me and suddenly I was willing to say or do anything for her.

"Uh… yeah. I think it would take more than four. She thinks less." I stumbled over my words.

"I'm going with J.J on that Reid." Morgan chuckled.

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><p>Please Review. I REALLY want to hear from you guys. I want to thank all of you that have stuck through all of my whining, begging, and late posting. I'm really sorry for all of that. I usually TRY to be on time, but I have suffered TERRIBLE writing blocks through some of these chapters. Then there was that one chapter what I was at my friend's house while my family dealt with their... issues. I know I haven't thanked you guys, but I'm really grateful for you readers. You're my favorite people in the world. You're the only people that deal with my insufferable writing and stupid ideas. I'm glad to have such AMAZING readers. Thank you again.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

Soo… I FINALLY settled down with what I was going to write thanks to one of my favorite songs in the world. If you can guess what it is thanks to the hints in the writing you'll be the most epic person in the world. Anyways I know this is late, but that's because my life has been so screwed up there are no words to explain it. I've had to switch from computer to computer so many times I'm about to scream peace be still in my home. Any ways I hope you like it. Please R&R. Oh! And thank you guys who already have done so in my other chapters.

Eventually the case finally got solved thanks to Prentiss realizing that the attacker wasn't a racist killer, and that he was more a sexual predator. So we went from there, and we ended up saving a girl. She was shaken up and drugged, but she was alive. That was such a relief. I had been so afraid that we would be too late to catch her, and then the killer could have moved onto a different target.

Once we had him in custody, and all of the paper work was done we were finally allowed to head home. I avoided all of them at all cost just wanting to be alone. I didn't feel like suffering through conversations that seemed so hard for me to hold. So when we landed I tried to race out, but I was stopped in my tracks when suddenly I felt an arm on my shoulder.

I turned around and sighed when I realized it was Hotch and not J.J, "Are you sure you're okay? You seem jumpy." He asked stoically.

I sighed, "It was a hard case, and I'm just tired. Soon as I get four hours of sleep I'll be fine." I muttered and looked around for something other than his eyes to look at. I knew I couldn't lie to those. It was impossible.

"Okay. Sleep well Reid." He said and walked off.

I sighed happily knowing that I wouldn't have to try to lie to him. I continued to walk out the airplane, and then I walked to our cars. I was opening the back door to throw my bag in when I heard, "Spence?"

I didn't even have to turn to know who it was. I knew that J.J was the only person in the whole world that calls me Spence. I started to quickly try to leave, but she grabbed my arm. "Go away." I mumbled trying not to catch attention.

She looked at me with tired eyes and I sighed. "You're really tired aren't you?" I asked sympathetically. I couldn't let her drive with how tired she looked like. I hadn't noticed until just now that she looked extremely exhausted. Her hair was in a messy ponytail, her make up was barely on, and her eyes looked bloodshot.

She nodded silently.

"You want a ride home?" I asked kindly. I just couldn't be mean to her when she was in what felt like a venerable state to me.

She nodded, and I got out. I walked to the passenger side, and I opened the door for her, "It gets jammed a lot." I pointed out so she didn't think I was trying to flirt with her.

I got back in and buckled up. I started to drive as I asked, "Would you like to listen to some music? It might help you stay awake." I pointed out pointing to the dashboard compartment.

I noticed as she hadn't said anything for a while, so I looked in her direction and found her sound asleep. I couldn't believe my luck. I had no idea where she lived, who to call, and what to say. I started to panic so I drove home.

"She couldn't be that heavy could she?" I asked myself. "I mean… she looks very light. Plus the guest room isn't really that far away." I nodded to myself and decided to leave her in the guest room.

I got out of the car and walked to her side. I looked her up and down for a moment trying to figure out what to do.

"Hey mister are you okay?" I heard not that far from me.

I turned around to my bigger neighbor. "Hey could you carry her inside? She's my coworker, and she's extremely tired. Please help me." I asked of him.

He looked at her for a moment and then nodded believing that I was harmless and I wouldn't do anything to her. He carried her upstairs and laid her on the bed I asked him to. He looked at me for a moment with this odd look, and then I realized he wanted a tip. I groaned and handed him ten bucks. He left, and I turned back to beautiful J.J.

I knew she had to be uncomfortable in those heels so I clumsily unstrapped them and sat them in a chair I had in the corner. I grabbed a blanket from inside the closet and covered her gently making sure she'd be nice and warm. I laid a T- shirt on the dresser in front of her just incase she woke up and wanted to change out of her uncomfortable looking pencil skirt and top. She had already taken her blazer off before she got in my car. I went to the door after finally deciding she would be comfortable, and then looked back at her.

She looked so beautiful with her halo of blonde hair, restful face, and thin figure warmly covered by my old blanket. I couldn't describe it, but right there she looked so perfect. She didn't look tired, overworked, or any of the other emotions I see laced in her eyes when she's at work. She just looked…normal… beautiful.

I closed the door when I realized I couldn't stand there and watch her forever. I went back down stairs, locked the doors, reset my alarm, closed the curtains, and switched off all of the lights that were needed to guide the big man through my home.

I then went back to my bedroom and changed into pajamas seeing as I couldn't sleep in my boxers while she was here. What if she came running to my room wanting to kill me for kidnapping her? Of course I'd have to explain to her she fell asleep and so forth, but I wouldn't want her to have to see me like that. That would be terrible. So I then climbed in to bed and tired to go to sleep.

Constricted. It was getting closer. I tried to run, but as soon as I turned to run it was right there. I couldn't see it… I didn't even know what it was, but I was terrified of it. I felt stupid for running from something I couldn't see, but I had this gut instinct that it was something terrible that was going to rip at my soul. I cried out as my chest bumped into what ever it was and fell to the ground.

As I looked up to what I was so scared of and I still saw nothing but darkness. I decided I wasn't going down with out some type of fight. I stood up and tried to swing at it and my hand went right through it. I tried again and I got nothing! I started to panic as I realized I couldn't fight it! I was stuck in the darkness! I couldn't fight the monsters in it. I couldn't even see what I was against! I was stuck in a nightmare of nothingness!

I screamed as something clawed my wrist leaving me feeling the blood dripping down my arm, but as I tried to look at it I saw nothing! As I was staring in shock at my arm I was hit in the back of the head and knocked to the ground. I tried to stand up, but then something hit me in my back knocking me down again. I tried again, but again I was hit. It felt like the more I struggled the harder it was to get up, and the harder I was hit the louder I screamed out in pain.

"Spence! Spencer! It's just a dream! Wake up!" I heard as I was suddenly shook awake. I looked up to see a ruffled looking J.J. She was wearing the T-shirt I had left on the dresser, and her hair was… well it looked beautiful as always but you could tell that she had been sleeping. She stared at me for a moment and then set beside me on the bed. "What was all of that about?" She asked.

I looked at her for a moment confused, "What are you talking about?" I raised my eyebrows in confusion. I sat up against the wooden backboard of my bed.

"You were screaming in you sleep." I could feel the terror in her voice as she ran her hand through her hair. "You kept screaming something about help you and the darkness. Are you still having nightmares from Tobias?" She asked as she started to stare into my eyes.

I looked away, "No it was just a nightmare from the… the case last night." I stuttered as I looked away. I didn't even really know where the night mare came from. It could have came from me not taking the Dilaudid, the case, or the trauma from Tobias. Honestly I had no idea. I never even remembered having nightmares.

"The case wasn't really THAT bad. I mean… we won." She sighed and stared at me. I couldn't help, but feel paranoid with her staring at me like that. It felt like she was searching my soul.

I started to stare back hoping to make her look away. I stared first into her eyes knowing that most people will look away after a minute or two of looking at them like that. So I stared into the abyss of blue, but suddenly I felt like I was drowning in all of her emotions. I couldn't continue to stare like that. I would get lost and forget where I was. Then I would get embarrassed and she'd wonder why, and then everything would get more awkward than it already was. "I… I umm I don't know why I had it." I admitted.

Suddenly I felt her hand on my face and I tried to pull away. "Don't… don't touch me." I stammered as I tried to push her away.

Suddenly she grabbed my arm and gasped, "Spencer… what… what is this?" She asked looking up at me with tears in her eyes.

I pulled away from her sharply. "What… what are you talking about?" I stammered stand up out of my bed. I started to walk out of bedroom.

She grabbed my wrist, "Spencer you have needle marks in your arm." She looked into my eyes and I sighed.

"Okay you want to know?" I asked. I went to my bag and slammed them on the nightstand. "This is what you're wondering about. This is what has made me where I can function. This is what keeps me from… what I thought kept me from the nightmares. This is the only reason I'm alive right now."


	10. Chapter 10

Thank you guys SOOO much for the reviews and just reading this! I know it's short, and please forgive me. School has started again, but I felt bad for not writing SOMETHING. So I wrote this. I hope you like it. Please R&R

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><p>"<em>Okay you want to know?" I asked. I went to my bag and slammed them on the nightstand. "This is what you're wondering about. This is what has made me where I can function. This is what keeps me from… what I thought kept me from the nightmares. This is the only reason I'm alive right now."<em>

J.J stared at me in shock as I sat them down so she could see who I was. So she could know the man behind all of the stupid facts. The man behind the mask. I wanted her to see what she had ignored for so long. I wanted her to see what no one else had EVER cared to ask about. I was so tired of faking that I was okay. I couldn't do this anymore.

Her blue eyes seared into my soul for like the millionth time that night. I felt like every time she did that she got closer and closer to the real me.. The man that I had forgotten so long ago. She grabbed my tiny stupid wrist and looked up at me, "Honestly… is… is this it?" She asked picking up the vials in her shaking hands. "Is this what has made you so… different?" She asked with tears in her eyes. She looked so utterly sad and hopeless. It was a face that nobody on the team had ever seen… well other than me now.

Then it hit me like a load of bricks. She was crying over me. She at least felt something for me. Whether it was brotherly love or… or what it could never be… she felt something. She had actually always cared about me when I always pushed her away with hurtful comments, because I didn't believe her. I felt repulsed of myself as I realized how wrong I was for being rude to her. I felt wrong for making her cry. I felt like one of the monsters I chased after every day of my life.

I nodded softly at her question. I looked away burned by her tears, eyes, and affection. I just couldn't look at her like that.

Suddenly she let go of me and threw the phials at the wall with as much force as a baseball player. The vials shattered on the wall and the fluid slowly started to flow down the wall. It was a scene to see if you weren't me.

"J.J!" I yelled at her shocked. I stared at the wall the wall for a second and then turned to her, "Why the hell did you do that?" I shouted, glaring at her. I couldn't believe she did that! She had no idea how hard it was to get that stuff!

She grabbed my face swiftly. "Look at you! You're freaking out over that stuff! Spencer you're addicted! Look at yourself!" She said grabbing my hands and showing me my arms, "You look like one of those hobos we're always talking to! You're losing your grip!" She hollered at me harshly. I had never had her yell at me so it was something shocking to me. For a second I just stared at her wondering what was wrong with her.

Then world stopped for a second… kind of like those crazy Twix commercials where the person stops time so he could eat a Twix and figure out a solution to his problem. Of course that really didn't happen. But with in two breaths my mind went into overdrive. I looked down at my arms for a moment and I saw it. The pattern of a druggy's arm…. It was there imprinted on the pale flesh. I couldn't look at that… I just couldn't it couldn't be true. I couldn't be an addict. I was too smart. I knew the risk. I knew it all. I couldn't be one. But then I looked up into J.J's eyes and saw a monster. A hideous monster was there in her eyes and… I didn't know him. I wasn't him.

I whimpered as it hit me. I was addicted. I had fallen into the dirt hole. It was my nightmare in the shack come true. I looked away from J.J wishing she wouldn't see me like this. I suddenly wished I hadn't given her a ride home. I wished that I hadn't split up from her. I wished so much, but all of them weren't going to happen. I pulled away from her and whispered, "Go. Get out. I'll… I'll get help. Just don't tell anyone… okay? Just get out… please." I said ever softly. I couldn't look at her when I knew all I was going to see what ashamedness.

I felt a slight weight on my shoulder and then pressure. "Spencer… I'm not leaving you alone. Never again. Too many people have left you alone. You need someone you can talk to. I'm not leaving you." She said softly. I felt her wrapping her arms around me like a mother would.

I thought for a moment. Is this a good idea? Should I just push her away? Should I act too strong to cry? Should I hold her as close as I can? What happens if I do? What happens if I don't? Honestly I was so tired of thinking. I just… I wanted to feel. I turned to her and wrapped my arms around her. I laid my head on her shoulder as my eyes teared up.

I heard as she sniffled and whispered, "We're going to get though this Spencer. I swear to you.", and as simple as those words were… they were more comforting than anything anyone else could have said. They were the words I needed to hear. I needed to know someone… anyone was there to hear me… to catch me when I start fall down that hole.

I clung onto her like I had never clung onto another. She was the only support I had onto the reality of my situation. I felt like if I let go of her I would lose the one time grip on reality.

She clung to me too as she rubbed my back up and down and whispered promises of making things better. She pulled me to the side of the bed and she lifted my face to look at hers, "Spencer hear me out… please." She said softly.

I nodded and looked down at my lap not able to meet her eyes… I couldn't make my self look and see the hatred… the anger I was sure I would see. But she lifted my face by hooking her finger under my chin, and when I saw her eyes they were filled with love and compassion. "I'm going to be here for you no matter what. But… I have to tell you something while you're clean and the withdrawals haven't hit you." She got on her knees and tilted my head with tear filled eyes to look at her. "I, Jennifer Jareau, love you, Spencer Reid. I always have. I just… I didn't realize what I had until… until I almost lost you, and it made me realize if I wait any longer… I might never get to tell you that." She leaned down and softly pressed her lips to mine.

I pulled her body closer to mine for a second until I become conscious of something. I softly pushed her body from mine. "If… If you really love me… I can't kiss you right now with out feeling… gross and wrong. I want to… I want to love you when I'm clean… when I can love you the right way." I said softly feeling stupid. What if she didn't love me by the end of this? What if she can't wait? What if I CAN'T get clean? What if… what if, what if kept running through my already busy mind.

I saw as she nodded. "I understand Spencer." She said softly and pulled me into her arms. And for the first time ever I finally slept well.


End file.
